The Morse Family

Beyond Me

Beyond Me

Monday, November 14, 2011

a kitchen sink and truth

on a little piece of paper, these words are written above the sink. many days, when i wash dishes, i read this truth.

q:what do you believe when you say, "i believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth"?

a:that the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who out of nothing created heaven and earth and everything in them, who still upholds and rules them by his eternal counsel and providence, is my God and Father because of Christ his Son. i trust him so much that I do not doubt he will provide whatever I need for body and soul, and he will turn to my good whatever adversity he sends me in this sad world. he is able to do this because he is almighty God; he desires to do this because he is a faithful Father.
(heidelberg catechism, question 26)

i will choose to believe this and tomorrow, i will choose to believe this again.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


enjoyed lunch at a friend's house in the back yard playing in the wet sand box...while me and my friend gave thanks for the blessings of life and lamented about how we so often miss out on the reality of the abundance of grace that is ours in Christ...

i told her about something that happened to me today while i was in the car..jackson saw my face in the rear-view mirror and said, "mommy, why is your face like that?" me: like what? j: like this (makes a mad face) me: what do you want me to look like? like this? (i smiled)

smiling felt weird...out of place...that disturbed me.

reading for my women's bible study in acts something struck me..acts 7:  54 When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55 But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56 “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

when my son isn't obeying, when my bible study doesn't seem to be changing me, when i don't seem to be having any real impact in this world...when i can't remember back to a conversation that i didn't pick apart and feel guilt prayer is that my verse 55 will be "But Heather, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God."

my prayer is that the Lord will give me joy..a smile in the rear-view mirror.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


went to the uga game this past first i just thought i picked the wrong outfit...and maybe I did.  it was a maternity jean skirt, a red striped shirt under a black maternity shirt..the skirt is a little long for my liking..the maternity shirt is...well, a maternity shirt..then I had on my most comfy tennis shoes because we were going to be walking miles and miles up and down hills to get from our free parking spot 40 miles from the stadium..hey, we saved 30 bucks.  anyways, i digress.

so all day i a tightly rolled sausage..but my clothes weren't tight..i was hot..and i just felt really unusually uncomfortable in my own skin...that is really the only way i know to explain the feeling. and it lasted ALL DAY LONG..couldn't stop thinking about the awkwardness..obsessing about the tennis shoes, obsessing about the skirt length, looking in every store window downtown so i could see my reflection in hopes that i would catch a glimpse of myself and suddenly be ok with the reflection looking back at me, i wasn't, wanting to grow wings and fly home really quick and change..what was i thinking when i picked this outfit..why did i choose tennis shoes..

are you getting the picture?

on my way to the bathroom during the game..thinking about how dorky i looked and how ugly i hit me. God hit me upside the head with his gentle whisper.  It sounded something like this:
"heather, you are beautiful, perfectly made to do the job I have for you today. your problem is not your shoes, but your heart. repent. turn away from thinking only of yourself and how you are here on this earth to bring me glory. how can you do that if you are always downgrading the woman i have can you think about others, if all of your brain time is taken up thinking about your image, this life is not about you, your tennis shoes, your too long skirt, your maternity skirt, your reflection in the shop window, your discomfort with your body...this life is about Me and My kingdom. spreading the Gospel so people can know Me, be loved by Me, spend an eternity with Me. "

I don't need a comment telling me how beautiful i am, how you don't understand why i would ever think badly about myself..the truth is, as my friend Jenna so eloquently put it, "even if you are skinny and beautiful..the only reason you aren't obsessing is because you are proud of yourself and your look.." another sin.

my prayer is that the Lord would change my heart from a heart that worships itself..
"if only i had a different outfit on i would feel better today..i wouldn't think about me as much.." <---that is a LIE!  a lie that keeps me from living the life that God desires for me. a heart that worships its creator.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

a story about numbers

the day i found out i was preg the number was 125
the day i got to the hospital on may 17th the number was 168
the day i drove home from the hospital on may 18th the number was 148
everyday after that day for 3 1/2 months the number was 148

yesterday the number was 147!!! yay!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

you learn something new everyday

learned this two days ago on (when trying to figure out why my perfectly scheduled eater was wanting to eat every hour day and night):

Growth spurts
By Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC

Most babies go through several growth spurts (also called frequency days) during the first 12 months.

What is a growth spurt?
During a growth spurt, breastfed babies nurse more often than usual (sometimes as often as every hour) and often act fussier than usual.

What is the best way to handle a growth spurt?
The increase in baby's milk intake during growth spurts is temporary. In exclusively breastfed babies, milk intake increases quickly during the first few weeks of life, then stays about the same between one and six months. As solids are gradually introduced after six months, baby's

Follow your child's lead. Baby will automatically get more milk by nursing more frequently, and your milk supply will increase due to the increased nursing. It is not necessary (or advised) to supplement your baby with formula or expressed milk during a growth spurt. Supplementing (and/or scheduling feeds) interferes with the natural supply and demand of milk production and will prevent your body from getting the message to make more milk during the growth spurt.

Some nursing moms feel more hungry or thirsty when baby is going through a growth spurt. Listen to your body -- you may need to eat or drink more during the time that baby is nursing. Babies often exhibit the same type of behavior (increased nursing with or without increased fussiness) when they are working on developmental advances such as rolling over, crawling, walking or talking. Mom's milk is for growing the brain as well as the body!
When do babies have growth spurts?
Common times for growth spurts are during the first few days at home and around 7-10 days, 2-3 weeks, 4-6 weeks, 3 months, 4 months, 6 months and 9 months (more or less). Babies don't read calendars, however, so your baby may do things differently.
Growth spurts don't stop after the first year - most moms notice growth spurts every few months during the toddler years and periodically thereafter on through the teenage years.
How long do growth spurts last?
Growth spurts usually last 2-3 days, but sometimes last a week or so.
What is the best way to handle a growth spurt?
Follow your child's lead. Baby will automatically get more milk by nursing more frequently, and your milk supply will increase due to the increased nursing. It is not necessary (or advised) to supplement your baby with formula or expressed milk during a growth spurt. Supplementing (and/or scheduling feeds) interferes with the natural supply and demand of milk production and will prevent your body from getting the message to make more milk during the growth spurt.
Some nursing moms feel more hungry or thirsty when baby is going through a growth spurt. Listen to your body -- you may need to eat or drink more during the time that baby is nursing more often.

learned this on facebook yesterday (in response to a flat batch of cookies that turned into one cookie in the oven--a whole nother

I'm not trying to share something that you might already know, did, or doesn't apply but... if a cookie flattens out it's typically because there isn't enough flour in the mixture. You should be able to take a small piece and be able to start the beginnings of a ball if rolling it in the palm of your hand. If you can't, add more flour until you can. Something I learned shortly after moving to the South. Hope this helps in some way, if not, ignore me!--Amy

learned this on google search today (looking up "rash under my wedding ring"):

This has happened to me as well, and it wasn't due to a metal allergy, but a buildup of soap and moisture (possibly leading to some bacterial/fungal infection). I'll have no problems with my ring, until one day I find the skin under the ring is red, swollen, and flaky. When the rash was very bad, I would also develop small blisters as well. The rash is painfully itchy, so much that it can wake me up in the middle of the night and makes me want to tear off my ring immediately.

When this happens, I take my ring off and the rash usually goes away very quickly. By the next day, it doesn't itch as much, by day 2 or 3, most of the redness and flakiness has gone away. After a week, the skin looks normal again. Even if the rash is completely gone, DO NOT put your ring back on. Wait at least 2 weeks to ensure every last trace of the rash/infection is gone. Before putting your ring on, make sure you disinfect it. I soak the ring in a mixture of 1 part Hydrogen Peroxide and 2 parts plain white vinegar. Let it soak for at least 15 minutes, and then boil the ring in plain water for another 15 minutes. I usually string up my ring and dangle it from a wooden spoon so that it won't touch the bottom of the pot and get too hot.

Now, the ring is disinfected AND clean. (The diamonds are so sparkly again!) I recommend doing this step every month, to avoid having the rash come back. I got lazy and my rash came back after 7 months.

Here are some conditions that make it likely to be a soap/bacterial/fungal rash and not a metal allergy:

Ring is platinum (though even some platinum can contain alloys that cause allergies, this is much more common in white gold. This infection can easily happen with any type of ring, but allergies are less common with platinum ones.)
Ring fits snugly (I did not have an issue until I got my ring resized to be smaller after almost losing it.)
Stones use a channel, or low-profile, setting. (The holes on the underside of the ring can trap moisture)
Rash occurs on the right side of the finger (towards the middle finger, or on the left side if the ring is one the right hand). This is probably because it's easier to trap moisture on the higher side of the ring.
You don't take off your ring when washing hands, showering, cleaning dishes, exercising, etc.
It seems that many people also start experiencing this issue when pregnant or shortly after giving birth. That didn't apply to me, but I wonder if people start washing their hands much more often after having a baby (all those diaper changes!) or if bloating is making their rings fit more tightly. I wonder also if pregnancy causes the body to react more strongly to potential irritants. No idea, this is just a theory on my part.

Good luck! Try the vinegar/peroxide solution. It worked for me.--Elaine Chen- Washington DC learn something new everyday!  

Gotta go enjoy my new cleavage, add some flour and soak and boil some rings...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

extreme thankfulness

as of late, i find myself with an overflowing of extreme thankfulness

sitting outside looking around our back yard last night, jack was swimming, I was sipping a half glass of white wine, an overflow of thank you came from my heart..

the landscaped yard given to us by my in-laws who funded the project
the pool--originally unwanted part of our house purchase, a pork barrel of sorts..if you will--now a huge blessing to our family and to many others who come and go from it daily
the house completely out of our reach in a climbing economy became possible because the Lord saw fit
and...the two sons..both in the house sleeping, both bring a joy to my heart that I never would have known and still find it hard to even express with written words

all of this for
two unlikely sinners who both struggle with ugly sin like same sex attraction, apathy, idolatry...
a man and woman who strive to fill ourselves with things that will never satisfy...

I am extremely thankful that Our Giving Father chooses to lavish blessing on
jack and heather, even as we struggle to be in relationship with Him.

He gave all of this to our family and even His life.

He gave it all to bring glory back to Himself.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

for my own entertainment

ryan jefferson yesterday

can't figure out how to turn this..but this is me when i was a baby

ryan j and jackson

doesn't ryan j have a little resemblance to me?? please? i want to have a little to do with at least one of my boys :)
Thanks for entertaining the idea.. :)

a few pictures to catch up my non-facebook readers

Introducing Ryan Jefferson Morse...

smiles are hard to come by as of yet..but here is one

he doesn't look just like his brother when his brother was this age

jackson at similar age

i shouldn't forget to put in a picture of sweet jackson who still loves to be in the center of attention

big brother and little budda bean

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

whew i am back

want to share pictures
share an update on how life is with two boys
send praise to God on how great i am doing with all of the changes

but instead i just want to pick up where i you do with a friend who has been by your side through everything.

watched little red riding hood last night and a part of the movie struck me.  (very great movie for that kind of thinking that you can't stop....)  (watch the is full of symbolism and as much depth as you have time to extract..)

i don't have time to give a review of the movie or even catch you up on the story line..but there was a line in the film..that I can't find online, so I will just ad-lib.

something like
The Others..they still live on in fear, for that is all they have ever they have ever known how to live.  They stay far away from the darkness, but fear consumes them.  But I (valerie--red riding hood) live my life in the darkness because the darkness doesn't scare me.

It is a line at the conclusion of the movie..and it troubled me.  The point being we should just give into living in evil rather than living in fear of evil and what it will do to us.  But then the more I think about it today..the more I agree.

If the two options are
1. live in fear of evil, of evil people, of evil in the world, of evil within ourselves to the point of not being able to function or really enjoy life
2. live a life of enjoying evil

I choose number two..

But instead..I will choose option 3.

Living a full life of enjoying being a child of the King of life.  Rom 8:15 says "God's spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of Him.  Instead, we become his children and call Him Father." I choose freedom.  I choose fullness...the opposite of fear.  A knowledge that my Father is a Father who has it all taken care of..and loves me.

Being a daughter of the King of the universe who has power over evil and chooses me to be a joy in which I want to bask.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

this day

I have waited to post details in case i were to actually go into labor on my own..but today is quite possibly a big day...

you can pray.
last week dr visit i was 4 cm dilated
thurs lost plug
have continued to lose cervical mucus everyday after that
had bloody show on thurs and fri
thought for sure I woudn't make it through the weekend and dr agreed
dr is going out of town this thurs-monday
bec of my status and his absence we want to induce today at noon
the hospital requires an amnio in order to do that before 39 w and i am 38.4w
at 815a today i will have the amnio
at 10ish i will find out if the babies lungs are developed enough to induce
at 12 i am scheduled at the hospital for an induction


please be praying..praying for wisdom of the dr's, praying for me and jack as we want to glorify God and roll with His plan no matter how different it is from our plan..that we would be secondly aware of His sovereignty in all things big and small.

Romans 11
33 Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

34 For who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
Who knows enough to give him advice?
35 And who has given him so much
that he needs to pay it back?

36 For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

will update facebook as things happen..for those of you not on facebook, i will try to post back here as soon as I can...

Saturday, May 7, 2011

please remind me

when all of this pregnancy stuff is behind me..and i am starting to talk about doing it all again..will you remind me..

hemorrhoids (anusol and those freezer pops are the only things that bring any kind of relief and it is oh, so doesn't really count as relief--don't even ask what I do with the freezer pops)

some weird internal bruise above my belly button that covers 1/4 of my tummy that hurts ALL.THE.TIME.

the pelvic bone pain that I have had since weeks after i found out that i was pregnant that keeps getting worse and i can't even roll over in bed without loud grunting

this odd hip thing that happens that prevents me from being able to walk at certain points in the in weird position on top of my hip theory.

the crying 

sitting after dinner with acid in the back of my throat because i can't get it to go down into my stomach.

can't pick up a toy from the floor, my cell from my purse on the floor board, clothes from the inside of the washer

moments of no air when i breathe in

unable to properly be consistent with disciplining my 2 year old because he knows mommy won't run after him

sleeping on a plastic pad that moves every time i flip over for fear of ruining our new mattress that we L.O.V.E.

this ugly purple stretch mark that is drawing a diagonal line from my pelvic bone to my belly button

my son thinks that women can't pick up balls from the ground.."only daddies can do that"--bc he never remembers a time when mommy played ball with him when he didn't have to go pick it up and hand it to me

the first pregnancy was the one where I was able to power walk until the end..and felt like super woman on steroids until full term. NOT THE SECOND ONE.

please remind me

and I am sure I will say...I sure hope I will say, "it was all totally worth it."

Thursday, April 28, 2011

joyful in hope

we are doing a romans study in small group..and last night we read romans 12.  one verse stood out to me..

romans 12:12 (new living translation) Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful.

my first thought was...umm, i am not "being glad"  another translation says "be joyful in hope"...i kind of like that translation better in this circumstance.  "joyful in hope"..not necessarily glad about the plans, but having joy in the hope of what is ultimately to come..and because I know that whatever He has planned is ultimately for my good and for His glory.

so when people are asking, "oh, you have a baby coming must be so excited.." and I think "no, not really..."  I am not "excited" per se..but yes, I am joyful in hope.  i know He has my best in mind..and I have a great peace that His best will bring me ultimate peace and joy.

Jesus always said it best.  His example of "being joyful in hope" when He was about to be put to death on a cross.. separated from His father..and make his ascent into Hell. Sounded like this:

John 12:27-28
(new living translation)
Now my soul is deeply troubled.  Should I pray, "Father save me from what lies ahead"?  But that is the very reason why I came!  Father bring glory to your name"

Father, my soul isn't default is to ask you to save me from the circumstances that are to come...but instead I will choose to bring you Glory..because that is the reason I am here.

Friday, April 22, 2011

what is real

Well, here I am 35 weeks down out of a hypothetical 40 weeks.  Ryan Jefferson breech.  I am gaining more weight with him than i did with Jackson.  Hard time getting around and up and down.  Lack of patience with Jackson.  Dr. going on vacation the week before RJ is due so wants to schedule an induction or c-section (depending on if he can flip RJ or not) for May 18thish (i will be almost 39 weeks 3 1/2 weeks from now)..could go into labor earlier due to already dilating cervix.  Those are the facts..

Then there are the feelings..I cringe to try to explain those.  I do know when someone says with an all knowing smile, "Are you SO excited?"  I say, "Not like you are?"  Here it is in a nutshell, but a nutshell doesn't really do it all is all so complex and intertwined in my soul that I really just can't explain it all very well...

i am sad that I may not ever be pregnant again...but I really didn't like being pregnant this time around so that doesn't make a ton of sense..i have no idea what two kids will look like or feel like..and haven't even anticipated it at all..i am not a sibling, so the thought of two just seems unbearable...jackson was  a tough baby so i do not look forward to the baby stage..and, at the same time, I mourn the baby stage being over and not ever doing it again..(if we only have two kids..which is what jack's vision for our family is..and the longer that I am pregnant and not excited about a 2nd, I think that I should have jack's vision of 2 kids be my vision, as well..)  I am hoping breast feeding will work this time a little easier than last time (i nursed for a year and supplemented with every feed because i couldn't produce enough milk to make jackson gain the weight the dr thought he should be gaining...granted he has always been in the 3rd percentile.)  I want to love my children well..and I want to be content with my life as it is..and I am praying against postpartum that I seemed to get a bout of last time around.  I loved labor last time with jackson..but since this baby is still breech, i am looking at a possible version (flipping) or a c-section..and both of those options seem less than i am mourning a smooth labor (even before it is determined whether it will be that way or not...)

what is real is that for this girl who writhes at change, and fears the unknown..and lacks trust in the Lord...I am having a tough time getting "excited"..but I am not really sad either.  I would say I am more just even.  Living the end of this pregnancy out as it comes and trying to trust the Lord with the curve balls.

clinging to these two truths.

one found in the psalms:

One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will hide me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle;
and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27

one found in the Heidelberg Catechism (The Heidelberg Catechism is a Protestant confessional document taking the form of a series of questions and answers, for use in teaching Reformed Christian doctrine. It has been translated into many languages and is regarded as one of the most influential of the Reformed catechisms.)
Question 26:

What do you believe when you say, "I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth"?

Answer: That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (who of nothing made heaven and earth, with all that is in them; who likewise upholds and governs the same by his eternal counsel and providence) is for the sake of Christ his Son, my God and my Father; on whom I rely so entirely, that I have no doubt, but he will provide me with all things necessary for soul and body and further, that he will make whatever evils he sends upon me, in this valley of tears turn out to my advantage;  for he is able to do it, being Almighty God,  and willing, being a faithful Father. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

morning of quiet

jackson is still sleeping (8:51a)...very rarely happens. but it gives me time to introspect on the good ole' blog.

i have been getting lots of "how are you feeling?" questions since i am 31weeks preg..and look very belly heavy...have gained more with this one by 30 weeks than I had gained with jackson by now...oh, well. i am thinking it prob because of three vacations in the past three months and only exercising 2 days a week..with jackson i had walking buds and walked almost every day.

how am i feeling.
i am trying not to feel...because when i do feel, i feel scared and sad.

scared because i am not wanting to find out what it is like to be a mom of two boys. scared because our morse life has just gotten in the groove of a fun family..who enjoys one another, can travel without severe stress in the back seat, can go to restaurants without hearing much whining and crying, can enjoy time away from jackson without worrying that he is being ruined by his grands...etc..

sad because this may be the last pregnancy. jack is sold on the number two...and honestly the number three freaks me out a lot...but I love being pregnant, i love feeling the kicks, i love letting that belly hang out and not having to give excuses, i love having an excuse to nap during the day and minimize my schedule...i love being a mom of a baby belly. sad because I love nursing babies...i am sure i could think of other things to be sad about, but just typing this all out is painful, so i will stop here.

i am ready to feel some excitement, some anticipation, some readiness...some trust and rest in the truth that the Lord has the perfect plan for our family..and there is no need to be scared or sad since He is in charge.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

on Lent

i have a certain amount of hesitancy with the popular idea of lent.  all of my favorite bloggers out there are blogging about it..I decided, instead of posting the same comment 5 times, I would ponder here.

I was raised Catholic.  I practiced lent from the time I was a young child.  Eating only fish on Fridays ...and then also giving up something I loved for a certain amount of time...grumbling about how hard it was...praying for the Lord to give me the strength to endure the certain sacrifice.  Counting the days until Easter when I would eat it, do it, or pick it back up again in abundance...when I wouldn't have to order the fish sandwich on Fridays when I would forget and go out to eat at McD's.  If I didn't participate in the Lenten season, I wouldn't talk about it...would feel less catholic..less committed...and a thick fog of catholic guilt.

Since I came to know Christ, a gradual but dynamic thing has happened.  I have realized that my salvation is not about me..not about what I do or don't do..not about how many quiet times I have or don't have..not about how much I pray or don't pray...Christ died and rose for me...a filthy, dirty sinner...anything pure or good or right in my life is not me, but totally God.  He did this in order that I may have a relationship with Him that is active and real..a relationship where I continually notice my insufficiency and continually fall into His sufficiency...Second by second repentance..second by second needing Him to cover me with His forgiveness and love.  It is a hard walk of allowing Him to remove all of the stuff that is not Him and replacing it with His character that is Galatians 5:22 (But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!)  This walk is all encompassing, all inclusive, and completely life changing...all of the time.  Not just for a season..and certainly not for us to do something for Him...He doesn't need our sacrifice...His sacrifice was completely sufficient and gave us the ability to now have this relationship with Him that was otherwise impossible...

26 Such a high priest truly meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. 27 Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. 28 For the law appoints as high priests men in all their weakness; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever. Hebrews 7:26-28 

4 Surely he took up our pain 
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.  Isaiah 53:4-6

this thought keeps coming to my mind..and I want you to remind me of it when i am in the muck..

What good purposes does our Savior serve if we don't allow Him to save us from the serious chaos in our lives...if he only saves us in times of happiness and joy.

There is so much that He can save us much more..and yet, we try to do all of the saving ourselves and don't draw upon Him...His power to save.  

Job 4:3 “In the past you have encouraged many people;
      you have strengthened those who were weak.
 4 Your words have supported those who were falling;
      you encouraged those with shaky knees.
 5 But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart.
      You are terrified when it touches you.
 6 Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence?
      Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?

We sin when don't believe in His ability to save us from ourselves..but the great news is that His forgiveness can give us great peace, His word can sustain us, praying to Him can comfort and give us great confidence, talking about Him can spread His life giving power to others...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


blood glucose test=fail

you can pray for a 3 hour test tomorrow morning (wed)..

12 hour fast

can't eat or drink anything from midnight tonight until noon tomorrow...

drink nasty sugar drink at 8am, get blood drawn, wait an hour, get blood drawn again, wait an hour, get blood drawn again, wait an hour, get blood drawn again..

can't think of a more putrid thing for a pregnant woman to do on a wednesday morning.

pray that I will be confident of the Lord's sovereignty in my life and deep care for me and the details of my life.

1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Friday, February 18, 2011

in order to remember

in my head i have been composing this post over and over, so there comes a time when i just have to  type it out in order to remember the feeling..and get it off of my obsessive mind.

i love being pregnant. feeling a baby move inside of me, always feeling accompanied, not having to hold in your belly in those tight shirts, being able to eat without feeling like i am over is a privilege and an honor to be apart of the miracle that is growing a being inside of yourself.

the other day i watched a documentary about surrogate mothers. i know some people hear that word (surrogate) and cringe from the idea of holding a baby inside of you only to hand it off to another mommy who couldn't, for whatever reason, conceive on her own.  and i will admit that the highlight of my life thus far has been that moment in the delivery room when the baby that was on my inside was lain on top of my bare chest..the screaming baby jackson covered in mucus, the tears of daddy jack, and the sobbing of mommy was the most raw, real, and intimate moment i have experienced in my 30 years.

honestly, i have never gone from high to low in such a quick amount of time as i did exiting the pregnancy/childbirth experience to enter the infant rearing phase.  boy was it hard as hell to be a mom to little jackson...i love love love that child, but nothing was easy. from breastfeeding, to sleep deprivation, to hormonal abnormalities that made me very sad most of the time, to the instability that was our marriage...every month that passed life became a little more manageable..and it wasn't until 5 months when i thought, "ok, i will not die doing this job."

so, for me, watching this surrogate documentary...i understood why a woman would choose to serve another woman in such an intimate way.

right now in my pregnancy feels like i am a surrogate mom.  there, i said it.

i love being pregnant, i consider it the biggest gift feeling ryan jefferson move inside of me, i tear up when jackson says he wants to talk to rj and pulls up my shirt to say sweet words in his highest voice while sticking his finger inside of my belly button..but, as hard as i try, i can't picture rj being in our family, i can't get excited about his arrival in may, i can't even dream up what he may look like..nor do i really want to.  i have never felt so connected, yet so disconnected from anything in my life.  it is as if he is not really i am going to give him away when he is born and he will never be a morse.  really the weirdest feeling...even hard to put into words.

with jackson at this time in my pregnancy and much earlier for that matter, i was dreaming about him every night..longed to hold him in my arms..couldn't wait to latch him to my breast for the first call him my baby...the pregnancy seemed to go on for ages and all i wanted to do was have a little baby to call my own.

with ryan jefferson, if i could sign up for him to be inside of me for extra months..where is the dotted line?

i have been hesitating writing this post for a while now..not wanting anyone to take it the wrong way..think that i am ungrateful or heartless...although i can have a tendency to be both of those things. but this is the reality of this pregnancy and i want to remember the feeling..the awkwardness of i have a great hope that it will all change the moment rj takes his first breath.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


well, here i am at 25 weeks and 5 days..yesterday.  That dang tank top is so tight
I can barely get my arms in the arm space..and my rib cage hurts when I try to
wear it for more than 5 minutes.  being pregnant is both horrible and wonderful
at the same time for me.  I hate arm fat and back fat that develops ever so quickly
as I progress in the weeks...but It makes me deeply saddened to think that I may
never feel a living baby kick the inside of my tummy at nights while relaxing on the
sofa.  Only God knows how many children are planned for us..but it makes me sad
to wonder that this may be our last.
this is my favorite home helper..J3!  He assists with laundry by going to get his
stool and putting it in front of the washer and throwing clothes in..He goes and
fetches anything I need..and always remembers where anything is that I happen
to lose.  But my most favorite thing he helps with is my weekly bread baking.
he sits on the counter and pours the various flours, salts, oils, and water into
the bread machine...and always likes to pour the brown sugar in the best..
because he always gets a "little bit". and says, "mmm..i like brown sugar, mommy."
this is jackson covering daddy with blankets and pillows to "make him cozy"
when daddy wasn't feeling well one evening.
this is where we spent valentine's weekend..before you go wondering how
in the world we afforded a weekend in this hotel and could swing eating at
lavish restaurants too..just know that one of God's many blessings in our lives
comes in the form of jack's parent's generosity and a cousin who works at this hotel
and got us a sweet deal on rates.

Every city needs one of watch a movie, eat and drink..and the
prices were good and the food was great! we saw "just go with it"..i loved it!
I love Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler no matter what they are in!

my most favorite event was room service breakfast in bed on
Sunday morning!

The best deli i have EVER enjoyed!

my choice

dolphins were everywhere

the best restaurant dinner we had in charleston..only uses
southern a historic home..oh yes..

oh yes, that is duck and cornbread in the back ground in an iron skillet
my only complaint the whole weekend was my ambition to see didn't match
my ability to hold my feet and legs would hurt so bad..and i had
to stop and pee at every corner.

this trip was incredible..all the stresses of life were taken away for 3 days and
i felt so relaxed.  jack and i related well and enjoyed each other.  it was
by the far the most desperate we have ever been to get away..but, just so
you don't get too jealous, our reentry into the real world was quite brutal
with one of the worst fights of our marriage on the way home from sc.
We are resolved..but just wanted to keep it real.

When Jackson prays over dinner he says, "God is great! God is good! Let us
Thank Him for ________." Instead of saying "for our food" he says, for (what
ever food is on our plates that he particularly likes) like last night he said, 
"Let us thank Him for sweet potatoes and orange juice".

So I will end this post that way.
God is great! God is good! Let us thank Him for:
a growing baby in my belly
an eager helper by my side
a weekend trip of a lifetime
room service breakfasts
a man who loves you to share it all with.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

job study revelations

if you have had enough of reading about Job and what I am may want to stop reading right here.

i know you know this already but...I have been really moved by the study..I wanted to make a list of the biggies for myself to look back and see.

some things I am learning in my heart:

-convicted about how i jump to talking/making decisions before I look to the Word (like job's friends who were trying to comfort him during his chaos with "wise" words that were not based on God's truths..when all He wanted was God to speak mercy to His heart..)..job 18 (and many other chapters where the friends are talking)

-and how I only ever desire/pray for comfort and ease in my life and the lives of others when i am suffering or when others are facing trials (like job did when his life was turned upside down..) It sounds something like this.."God, please take this trial away from me.."--and an unspoken, "so I won't need to rely on you so much"..but the truth is that God directs the storms and makes it hail and flood at exactly the correct times as it says in Job 38:22-23...and the only reason I exist is to give Him glory..and when i am "strong" all people see is is when i am weak that they might catch a glimpse of Him being strong on my behalf.

- and Praising God that He knows what it is like to suffer unto death:

Hebrews 12

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


let's back up a few the weeks when i was agonizing about whether or not to go on a women's retreat at my church.
i formulated a list in my mind of reasons i didn't think I was going to go. 
here it is:
6 mths preg
want to sleep in my comfy bed
do have extra money in savings to pay for retreat
i get tons of fellowship around the word in my week (wbs, small group, sunday school, church..)

yesterday i was studying Job..restudying Job. I have been attending a bible study of Job and this week is review week.  i was remembering job's friends...and the lessons we learned from their "advice" to job. they gave heartfelt advice that was deeply grounded in their experiences, their wisdom, their knowledge, and what made sense.  the problem was the advice they gave was not steeped in their knowledge of God and His wisdom and purposes.

that is when it all hit me like a 2X4 in between the eyes.

i am being Job's friends with the retreat...the Lord spoke somewhere in all the studying and showed me who i really i looked over my formulated list of reasons why not to attend..i saw selfish, convenient, comfortable, and common sense reasons to not go..never did I pray "lord, show me what you have for me with me if there is anyone who needs me to attend the me your will."

my first reaction was repentance.."Lord, i know i sinned against you in my decision making only thinking of myself and what I desired and not thinking of you and your Kingdom purposes."  Then the tears began to flow..I immediately started trying to figure out what I needed to do now.  Who I needed to call to invite over so that I could reach out to someone this weekend and make staying at home valid..or who I needed to call to get signed up for the women's retreat so I could get right with God...and then God showed up again in the form of a husband who (after i explained everything with tears running down my face) said very calmly, "where is your freedom?"  and then me calling a friend to "throw up my issues on her"...and she said with compassion and confidence, "when you turned from your sin before Christ, your sin was wiped clean.  He now sees you as righteous before Him..completely clean."  In other words, there is no penance needed to make the situation right...God is not surprised. He knew my sin before hand and will use it for His Glory..and for sure He has used it to draw me into a deeper understanding of Himself and my stance before Him.

i can't seem to get this "free to me" Grace..It wasn't just free because that would mean there was not a price, which certainly not the case...but it is completely and utterly free to me and given to me with great joy and perfect love..and i can get it into my head, but my heart keeps wanting/needing to do something for it. this view of grace leaves me busy, tired, entitled and then that order. 

but fortunately, I am His and He continuously shows up amidst the depravity to remind me of whose I am and that the price with which I was bought completely covered the great expense.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

for me to process our bible study

all of the info below comes from the bible and from Job Lessons in Comfort by Frances Bennett.  I have really been getting tons out of this bible study that I attend on Tuesday mornings.  It has been good for me to go through the book of Job at a slow pace and soak it in.

Here is what is striking me today...first a summary of Job as told by Barnes and noted by Bennett in her study guide..then the stuff that struck me.

summary of Job:
"A great and good man falls. His comforts all depart.  He sinks to the lowest degree of wretchedness.  To explain this, and all kindred subjects, his own mind is taxed to the utmost, and four men of distinguished sagacity and extent of observations are introduced--the representatives of the wisdom of the world--to explain the facet.  They adduce all that they had learned by tradition, and all that their own observation had suggested, and all the considerations which reason would suggest to them; but all in vain.  They make no advances in the explanation, and the subject at the close is left as dark as when they began.  Such an effect, and such a train of discussion, is admirably fitted to prepare the mind to welcome the teachings of revelation, and to be grateful for that volume of revealed truth which casts such abundant light on the questions that so perplexed these ancient sages."

stuff that is striking me:
"Job and his four counselors lived before most of the Bible had been written.  You and I, however, live with the revealed truth that Jesus Christ is our mediator and our ransom, and that He has conquered death.  We have access to God's entire written Word in our own language."

so why is it that i still use reason and logic to comfort?  God's word is the only Word that is truth, that holds water, that why do I bring my own wisdom or my own observation as tools to rely upon when comforting myself and others, if God's tools have proven?  I know that all people have a hole the size of God in their souls that yearns to be filled and that only God can fill..yet, i still am leery or worried that His word won't be good enough.

Oh, me of little faith...the core issue is thinking that I know better than God.  Lord, help me to be in your Word so that I have tools that hold to offer myself and others who are suffering.

Proverbs 3:1-8

 1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
   but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
   and bring you peace and prosperity.
 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
   bind them around your neck,
   write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
   in the sight of God and man.
 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.[a]
 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
   fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
   and nourishment to your bones.

Monday, January 17, 2011

the Lord whispers

so a friend mentions a family to me on sunday, the mere mention of someone's name doesn't always affect me, i think about the family immediately after the conversation, during church, then on the way home from church the family comes to mind again, then i talk to jack about the family, that night before bed the Lord gives me an idea of how i can reach out to that family, i email out to try to make it happen, monday has brought many thoughts of this family to my mind...i stop and pray each time i think of them.

this is how He whispers.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

no, i am not dead

so much has transpired since I last wrote fast forward..
family drove to savannah, spent 5 days with mom, drove to sea island spent 3 days with jack's fam, enjoyed nye with them, spent 3 days alone at sea with jack and jackson, drove back, have been cleaning and organizing like a crazy woman for 3 days, jack's birthday is tomorrow..after that life goes back to a little calmer and more orderly.  which in turn may lead to more orderly blogging, posting of pictures, reading blogs..

but for now, I am not dead.  I am just living so i have more to write about when i rest.