for my own entertainment

ryan jefferson yesterday

can't figure out how to turn this..but this is me when i was a baby

ryan j and jackson

doesn't ryan j have a little resemblance to me?? please? i want to have a little to do with at least one of my boys :)

Thanks for entertaining the idea.. :)

a few pictures to catch up my non-facebook readers

Introducing Ryan Jefferson Morse...

smiles are hard to come by as of yet..but here is one

he doesn't look just like his brother when his brother was this age

jackson at similar age

i shouldn't forget to put in a picture of sweet jackson who still loves to be in the center of attention

big brother and little budda bean

whew i am back

want to share pictures
share an update on how life is with two boys
send praise to God on how great i am doing with all of the changes


but instead i just want to pick up where i am..like you do with a friend who has been by your side through everything.

watched little red riding hood last night and a part of the movie struck me.  (very great movie for that kind of thinking that you can't stop....)  (watch the movie..it is full of symbolism and as much depth as you have time to extract..)

i don't have time to give a review of the movie or even catch you up on the story line..but there was a line in the film..that I can't find online, so I will just ad-lib.

something like
The Others..they still live on in fear, for that is all they have ever known..how they have ever known how to live.  They stay far away from the darkness, but fear consumes them.  But I (valerie--red riding hood) live my life in the darkness because the darkness doesn't scare me.

It is a line at the conclusion of the movie..and it troubled me.  The point being we should just give into living in evil rather than living in fear of evil and what it will do to us.  But then the more I think about it today..the more I agree.

If the two options are
1. live in fear of evil, of evil people, of evil in the world, of evil within ourselves to the point of not being able to function or really enjoy life
or
2. live a life of enjoying evil

I choose number two..

But instead..I will choose option 3.

Living a full life of enjoying being a child of the King of life.  Rom 8:15 says "God's spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of Him.  Instead, we become his children and call Him Father." I choose freedom.  I choose fullness...the opposite of fear.  A knowledge that my Father is a Father who has it all taken care of..and loves me.

Being a daughter of the King of the universe who has power over evil and chooses me to be His..is a joy in which I want to bask.

this day

I have waited to post details in case i were to actually go into labor on my own..but today is quite possibly a big day...

you can pray.
last week dr visit i was 4 cm dilated
thurs lost plug
have continued to lose cervical mucus everyday after that
had bloody show on thurs and fri
thought for sure I woudn't make it through the weekend and dr agreed
dr is going out of town this thurs-monday
bec of my status and his absence we want to induce today at noon
the hospital requires an amnio in order to do that before 39 w and i am 38.4w
at 815a today i will have the amnio
at 10ish i will find out if the babies lungs are developed enough to induce
at 12 i am scheduled at the hospital for an induction

so

please be praying..praying for wisdom of the dr's, praying for me and jack as we want to glorify God and roll with His plan no matter how different it is from our plan..that we would be secondly aware of His sovereignty in all things big and small.


Romans 11

33 Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

34 For who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
Who knows enough to give him advice?
35 And who has given him so much
that he needs to pay it back?

36 For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.


will update facebook as things happen..for those of you not on facebook, i will try to post back here as soon as I can...

please remind me

when all of this pregnancy stuff is behind me..and i am starting to talk about doing it all again..will you remind me..

hemorrhoids (anusol and those freezer pops are the only things that bring any kind of relief and it is oh, so brief..it doesn't really count as relief--don't even ask what I do with the freezer pops)


some weird internal bruise above my belly button that covers 1/4 of my tummy that hurts ALL.THE.TIME.


the pelvic bone pain that I have had since weeks after i found out that i was pregnant that keeps getting worse and worse..now i can't even roll over in bed without loud grunting


this odd hip thing that happens that prevents me from being able to walk at certain points in the day..baby in weird position on top of my hip bone...one theory.


the crying 


sitting after dinner with acid in the back of my throat because i can't get it to go down into my stomach.

can't pick up a toy from the floor, my cell from my purse on the floor board, clothes from the inside of the washer

moments of no air when i breathe in

unable to properly be consistent with disciplining my 2 year old because he knows mommy won't run after him

sleeping on a plastic pad that moves every time i flip over for fear of ruining our new mattress that we L.O.V.E.

this ugly purple stretch mark that is drawing a diagonal line from my pelvic bone to my belly button

my son thinks that women can't pick up balls from the ground.."only daddies can do that"--bc he never remembers a time when mommy played ball with him when he didn't have to go pick it up and hand it to me

the first pregnancy was the one where I was able to power walk until the end..and felt like super woman on steroids until full term. NOT THE SECOND ONE.

please remind me

and I am sure I will say...I sure hope I will say, "it was all totally worth it."

joyful in hope

we are doing a romans study in small group..and last night we read romans 12.  one verse stood out to me..

romans 12:12 (new living translation) Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful.

my first thought was...umm, i am not "being glad"  another translation says "be joyful in hope"...i kind of like that translation better in this circumstance.  "joyful in hope"..not necessarily glad about the plans, but having joy in the hope of what is ultimately to come..and because I know that whatever He has planned is ultimately for my good and for His glory.

so when people are asking, "oh, you have a baby coming soon..you must be so excited.." and I think "no, not really..."  I am not "excited" per se..but yes, I am joyful in hope.  i know He has my best in mind..and I have a great peace that His best will bring me ultimate peace and joy.

Jesus always said it best.  His example of "being joyful in hope" when He was about to be put to death on a cross.. separated from His father..and make his ascent into Hell. Sounded like this:

John 12:27-28
(new living translation)
Now my soul is deeply troubled.  Should I pray, "Father save me from what lies ahead"?  But that is the very reason why I came!  Father bring glory to your name"

Father, my soul isn't still...my default is to ask you to save me from the circumstances that are to come...but instead I will choose to bring you Glory..because that is the reason I am here.

what is real

Well, here I am 35 weeks down out of a hypothetical 40 weeks.  Ryan Jefferson breech.  I am gaining more weight with him than i did with Jackson.  Hard time getting around and up and down.  Lack of patience with Jackson.  Dr. going on vacation the week before RJ is due so wants to schedule an induction or c-section (depending on if he can flip RJ or not) for May 18thish (i will be almost 39 weeks then..like 3 1/2 weeks from now)..could go into labor earlier due to already dilating cervix.  Those are the facts..

Then there are the feelings..I cringe to try to explain those.  I do know when someone says with an all knowing smile, "Are you SO excited?"  I say, "Not like you are?"  Here it is in a nutshell, but a nutshell doesn't really do it all justice..it is all so complex and intertwined in my soul that I really just can't explain it all very well...

i am sad that I may not ever be pregnant again...but I really didn't like being pregnant this time around so that doesn't make a ton of sense..i have no idea what two kids will look like or feel like..and haven't even anticipated it at all..i am not a sibling, so the thought of two just seems unbearable...jackson was  a tough baby so i do not look forward to the baby stage..and, at the same time, I mourn the baby stage being over and not ever doing it again..(if we only have two kids..which is what jack's vision for our family is..and the longer that I am pregnant and not excited about a 2nd, I think that I should have jack's vision of 2 kids be my vision, as well..)  I am hoping breast feeding will work this time a little easier than last time (i nursed for a year and supplemented with every feed because i couldn't produce enough milk to make jackson gain the weight the dr thought he should be gaining...granted he has always been in the 3rd percentile.)  I want to love my children well..and I want to be content with my life as it is..and I am praying against postpartum that I seemed to get a bout of last time around.  I loved labor last time with jackson..but since this baby is still breech, i am looking at a possible version (flipping) or a c-section..and both of those options seem less than appealing...so i am mourning a smooth labor (even before it is determined whether it will be that way or not...)

what is real is that for this girl who writhes at change, and fears the unknown..and lacks trust in the Lord...I am having a tough time getting "excited"..but I am not really sad either.  I would say I am more just even.  Living the end of this pregnancy out as it comes and trying to trust the Lord with the curve balls.

clinging to these two truths.

one found in the psalms:

One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will hide me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle;
and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27

one found in the Heidelberg Catechism (The Heidelberg Catechism is a Protestant confessional document taking the form of a series of questions and answers, for use in teaching Reformed Christian doctrine. It has been translated into many languages and is regarded as one of the most influential of the Reformed catechisms.)

Question 26:

What do you believe when you say, "I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth"?

Answer: That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (who of nothing made heaven and earth, with all that is in them; who likewise upholds and governs the same by his eternal counsel and providence) is for the sake of Christ his Son, my God and my Father; on whom I rely so entirely, that I have no doubt, but he will provide me with all things necessary for soul and body and further, that he will make whatever evils he sends upon me, in this valley of tears turn out to my advantage;  for he is able to do it, being Almighty God,  and willing, being a faithful Father.