Well, here I am 35 weeks down out of a hypothetical 40 weeks. Ryan Jefferson breech. I am gaining more weight with him than i did with Jackson. Hard time getting around and up and down. Lack of patience with Jackson. Dr. going on vacation the week before RJ is due so wants to schedule an induction or c-section (depending on if he can flip RJ or not) for May 18thish (i will be almost 39 weeks then..like 3 1/2 weeks from now)..could go into labor earlier due to already dilating cervix. Those are the facts..
Then there are the feelings..I cringe to try to explain those. I do know when someone says with an all knowing smile, "Are you SO excited?" I say, "Not like you are?" Here it is in a nutshell, but a nutshell doesn't really do it all justice..it is all so complex and intertwined in my soul that I really just can't explain it all very well...
i am sad that I may not ever be pregnant again...but I really didn't like being pregnant this time around so that doesn't make a ton of sense..i have no idea what two kids will look like or feel like..and haven't even anticipated it at all..i am not a sibling, so the thought of two just seems unbearable...jackson was a tough baby so i do not look forward to the baby stage..and, at the same time, I mourn the baby stage being over and not ever doing it again..(if we only have two kids..which is what jack's vision for our family is..and the longer that I am pregnant and not excited about a 2nd, I think that I should have jack's vision of 2 kids be my vision, as well..) I am hoping breast feeding will work this time a little easier than last time (i nursed for a year and supplemented with every feed because i couldn't produce enough milk to make jackson gain the weight the dr thought he should be gaining...granted he has always been in the 3rd percentile.) I want to love my children well..and I want to be content with my life as it is..and I am praying against postpartum that I seemed to get a bout of last time around. I loved labor last time with jackson..but since this baby is still breech, i am looking at a possible version (flipping) or a c-section..and both of those options seem less than appealing...so i am mourning a smooth labor (even before it is determined whether it will be that way or not...)
what is real is that for this girl who writhes at change, and fears the unknown..and lacks trust in the Lord...I am having a tough time getting "excited"..but I am not really sad either. I would say I am more just even. Living the end of this pregnancy out as it comes and trying to trust the Lord with the curve balls.
clinging to these two truths.
one found in the psalms:
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will hide me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle;
and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27
one found in the Heidelberg Catechism (The Heidelberg Catechism is a Protestant confessional document taking the form of a series of questions and answers, for use in teaching Reformed Christian doctrine. It has been translated into many languages and is regarded as one of the most influential of the Reformed catechisms.)
Question 26:
Answer: That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (who of nothing made heaven and earth, with all that is in them; who likewise upholds and governs the same by his eternal counsel and providence) is for the sake of Christ his Son, my God and my Father; on whom I rely so entirely, that I have no doubt, but he will provide me with all things necessary for soul and body and further, that he will make whatever evils he sends upon me, in this valley of tears turn out to my advantage; for he is able to do it, being Almighty God, and willing, being a faithful Father.
Praying we will get though being "even" together. It's the strangest feeling to mourn the end of pregnancy but to not have been engaged in the process or to have found much joy in it...to not want to place an abrupt end to your families size, yet not imagine taking care of (or loving) more! What a strange experience this has been! Praying for you precious friend as we experience whAt christ has given and hoping we find every part of the experience hopeful no matter the outcome. He will see us through! You are a wonderful momma. Love Christine
ReplyDeleteHeather, I totally understand what you are going through. I went through it when I was pregnant w/ Duncan (#2). Things seemed so right with just one child. Why mess with a good thing?? As much as I wanted a 2nd baby, I had kind of resigned myself to not having one after the fertility issues we'd had. Even when we got pregnant naturally (after being told that the ONLY way we could was through in-vitro) I was still like "wait...do I really want this?" Of course, at that point all you can do is move forward and believe that it all happens for a reason. Now that Duncan is here (and almost 2) I cannot imagine life without him, which you undoubtedly will understand. I had c-sections with both kids and while it's not ideal, as long as everyone is healthy in the end, it's worth the pain IMHO. I still look back somewhat longingly to how much easier everything was with one child who was semi-self-sufficient and think, "Wow." Just "Wow." I hated breast-feeding for the same reasons as much as I loved it. I had gotten very used to getting sleep again. Honestly, I didn't think I had enough in me to love 2 children. I was scared. Pregnancy was different 2nd time around. I couldn't seem to enjoy it as much as the 1st time around, things hurt more and I was depressed by the idea of having to have a 2nd c-section. BUT I just kept thinking, "There's a reason for this. There is a reason for this." I, too, was at the same time thinking, "I need to enjoy this b/c it's the last time I get to BE pregnant." Such a mishmash of feelings all at once. Tried explaining it to Doug while crying over folding laundry and I just couldn't find the words. I think he just chalked it up to those "crazy lady preggo hormones". Plus, may I add, that you are one of the most beautiful pregnant women I have EVER seen. Your smile is infectious and you glow!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had time to post a lengthy post like the lady above, but just know all your feelings are...NORMAL!! I was very sad with Ava because I knew the divorce was coming and there I was having a baby....hard to get very excited about anything with that going on. However, like the lady above said -after a bit...you will wonder how you could have EVER imagined life without a second..AND...you will have peace in knowing that long after you and Jack are gone from this Earth- you have left Jackson a sibling and they will be there to comfort each other through happiness and sadness. I can't wait to see the pictures.
ReplyDeleteI liked my c-section the 2nd time because I didn't have to go through 19 hours of horrific labor pains without any meds....they wouldn't give me an epidural with Weldon until they decided on the emergency c-section..BLAH!!!
Love you,
Amber