The Morse Family

Beyond Me

Beyond Me

Thursday, May 13, 2010

On marriage

In the beginning, I would throw the "D" word around a lot...but then Jack started throwing it around, too..and because I am so insecure about marriage being a permanent thing (because of my experience with my parents..) I would freak out, when he said the now we don't use that word.  It is not a word used in our marriage, because it is not a viable option for our marriage.  I needed that security in order to feel like I was free to be myself and openly express my concerns and fears without feeling like Jack might just walk if he felt like I was too crazy.

So if the "D" word is not an option for us, we have to figure out how to make this thing matter how apathetic we are toward each other..or how mad we can get..or how disappointed he can make me or I can make him...So another word that has become really big for us in our marriage these days is Grace (an underserved and freely given and unconditional gift)...the self helpy books don't work for me..I read them, get pumped about them, try to use them, and BAM mess up again and again..then eventually forget what they said.  I have read one book that I will recommend to friends, however.  It is called "When Sinners Say, 'I do'" by Dave Harvey.  This book is based on the techniques that Christ lays out for how to be united in scripture.  These are the techniques that stick with me.
Ephesians 5:
 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So my job is to submit as the church submits to Christ and respect Jack.
His job is to love me as Christ loved/died for the church and as he loves himself.
and my job is to only focus on my job..not on his job..and then the bottom line is..that I never do my job perfectly (or even close to perfectly..) so I should be constantly confessing that to Jack and to Christ...and Jack never does his job he should be constantly confessing that to me and to Christ as well.  The fights happen when we either forget our individual jobs or get preoccupied with what the other person is supposed to be doing..or when we don't have Grace.  Since we are both boundless sinners, we both need to have boundless grace.

Jack and I read the book together in a group of other married couples..and it has really helped us know what we should be shooting to do..HOWEVER, we forget lots..and because of that we become selfish and just want and want and want..instead of giving and giving and giving...and it makes us like two ticks sucking on each other..and starving to death..instead of two ticks sucking on a dog (christ) and never demanding anything of the other tick.

Anyway, that is where we are...we do a lot of failing..and a lot of crying..and a lot of making up..and then things I think are solved, reoccur again..and I get frustrated and feel defeated..and then the Lord speaks to my heart and reminds me that I am His and that He is the only one who loves perfectly and He is the only one who can change me and He completely accepts me as I am and then I feel full again.


  1. What a great post! Thanks for sharing this encouragement, Heather.

  2. Hey Friend! . . .Enjoyed walking yesterday.
    This is a wonderful post. And still true 14.5 yrs into marriage. I can suck the life out of J.J. and allow myself to be disappointed that he doesn't love me perfectly or I can forgive and give grace. . .And rejoice that I am completely understood and loved by Christ. Thanks for the reminder! Erika