feeling the blessing of a healthy baby

Well, today was the day I had been both dreading and looking so forward to...after going from feeling 100% sick to 100% not sick on the first day of week 10..and enduring some pretty annoying cramping every few nights after that, I was 50% sure that our baby was not doing well. (to say it nicely)..but our little one (boy--by my prediction and the dr's speculation) was quite the show-off at his appointment today.  He flipped around, turned and looked at the camera, pulled his cord over his shoulder and put it in his mouth, put his thumb in his mouth, waved at us and pushed on my placenta..he was moving and grooving to say the very least.  We got tons of great pictures!  Thank you God for a healthy, heartbeat today!  I have both grieved his possible death, and am now celebrating his vibrant life all in one month.  Thank you for joining me in prayer for my heart, that I would be less concerned with circumstances and more concerned with having a Godward orientation of my heart.

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

ok so the last post would be incomplete without this one

i was driving home tonight..and have tons of time to think because i have to drive to africa. well only halfway to africa, but still 25 minutes is tons of time. and i was recounting the conversations i had earlier that night..and i heard my voice saying to a friend earlier that evening, "if it is not one thing it is another"...and the Lord used that sentence that i had spoken to nudge me toward His truth.

i think i should be able to find satisfaction in a house, in a friendship, in a pregnancy..in a ____ fill in the blank..and whatever is in the blank makes me crazy as i try to be satisfied. in the case of yesterdays post it was like this..i want to be at peace in this pregnancy, i want a guarantee that everything will be good, or a guarantee that everything will be bad..i want to know..to be in control..i can't know, i can't be in control..it all makes me so unsettled and emotional.

because i am human..and my heart longs for perfection and ultimately heaven..there is nothing that will satisfy it. it is always going to be unsettled..always going to be searching..always going to come up empty.

well, always when it seeks to be filled with anything other than jesus. anything other than His love, His grace, His peace, His strength, and His plan....when He fills it, it won't come up short...it may still feel unsettled or unsatisfied..but it ultimately will never be disappointed. He is always enough..even when His "enough" isn't what I would have thought "enough" to be.. (ie. my worst case scenario, whatever it might be this second..) He will carry me through and will have a greater purpose for His plan than I would have ever dreamed possible.

my life..as a Christ follower..it IS quite a ride. not usually an easy ride, a peaceful ride, or a "safe" ride..but always a ride taking me to a final destination...His arms right now..and His home for an eternity.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

keepin it real

ok, so you want real..here is real. on friday i all of the sudden stopped being sick...i have been really nauseous all along and then BOOM friday (day one of week 10) and i went off meds and am feeling completely fine...yay! praise God! Right? well, not exactly...now i am doubting my pregnancy...

why can't i just enjoy what has been revealed to me...
1. i am pregnant with a healthy baby..the dr said on week 8.6.
2. i am not sick anymore at week 10.
3. i have no other symptoms to make me think i am miscarrying.

instead i have truly convinced myself that this baby is dead. how did I get there? well, i have had friends who have had miscarriages and they stop feeling sick..i have had friends who have had miscarriages and have gone a month without anything abnormal (ie. cramping, bleeding...etc..)

I could go to the doctor and get checked, but i really don't want to..i don't want to know if the baby is dead..i don't want to find out with jack not there (he can't get there in the a.m. when they have openings...and I really want to just trust what has been revealed to me.

you can pray.

some goings and comings in descending order

for my friends who don't do facebook :)

renee' visited!


yo gabba gabba at the fox (we won tickets..be assured :)

fun times at the pumpkin patch

jackson got booed (this thing they do in our new neighborhood where they drop at treat at your door at dark and run..then you have to do it to two other neighbors)

bunko ladies night at the clubhouse in boulder springs

jackson read bible on sofa with blanket (his own set up)

jackson turned two

granddaddy came to visit (my dad)

jackson got his first haircut

preg!

the shot you have all been waiting for (taken 2 weeks ago) (8 week non-baby bump)

thanks for all of your prayers and offers to visit.  I am feeling very cared for by you :) everyday is either really easy or really hard...today, feels normal..which is good :) 

waning

this dark, rainy, thunderstorm is giving me great comfort..it is matching my inside. here is a look:


i just never thought hard when i was thinking of moving to an almost brand new 4br/3.5ba with a rocking chair porch and a pool and sod...with a new super cool fridge..and a new super cool tv..with a really comfy king bed and a shelf system for my shoes...in a neighborhood where jackson can play without being hit by a semi going by the house...i never thought darkness. i never though isolation. never occurred to me that this would be hard. that i would be sad. that life would go from a breeze to an immediate struggle. i feel alone. i feel abandoned. i feel like everything is a year away..and then when people ask me with this knowing smile in their eyes if i am "loving my new house"..i feel ungrateful if i say anything but, "it is a true blessing". because let's face it, friends, it is a blessing from God. it is amazing. it is more than i EVER in a million years thought the Lord would entrust to me and my family. but it is hard in the very same breath. no friends around. i feel bad asking anyone to visit because of the distance they are required to travel. no golden pantry i can walk to when i forgot to grab milk..20 minutes is the closest distance i can drive for friendship or activity. even typing this i feel guilt...i feel like i am being given all of these blessings and i am complaining..like "Lord, I want more.." but really i am just wanting to be real in attempts to remind you, my readers, that no matter what things you have been blessed with..life is meaningless without fellowship, without connections, without Christ.


i was 8 years old and Christmas was coming...i couldn't wait..i knew i was getting a bike because i saw it in the shed with the bows already on it..i couldn't sleep at night for days. Christmas eve came and i laid with my eyes closed all night couldn't sleep, couldn't even relax...then finally the sun broke the horizon and i jumped out of my bed and ran into the living room..there was my bike with 5 pink bows tied around it next to the Christmas tree full of other presents. at the end of that day, when all of the presents had been opened, all of the trash thrown away, and my bike's tire tread worn down from all of the bike riding up and down the street..i layed in bed unfulfilled...sad even.


Ecclesiastes 6


1 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on men: 2 God gives a man wealth, possessions and honor, so that he lacks nothing his heart desires, but God does not enable him to enjoy them, ...


matt 6:19-20


19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.


praying this in expectation of what the Lord can do.

Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)

Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.


1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.


2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.


3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.


4 Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]


5 Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.

news flash

the only thing more stressful than moving into a new house is being pregnant and sickish while moving into a new house :)

i am not finding tons of empty time to blog, but I did want to make sure all of my blogging friends know that I am in fact pregnant (9wks-due may 27th)..and have not fallen off of the face of the earth. One of these days I am going to have free time to upload pictures and update this blog properly.

until then, love well.

the verdict just in..moving not as stressful as having a baby..but pretty darn close!

i don't have long...because i have boxes staring at me and food cooking on the stove..but had to write a few lines before i explode

here is a list of the blessings that i have been experiencing the past 3 days since we moved into our new house:
screens on windows means that you can sleep with windows open
fridge with built in water dispenser means that you can have cold filtered water anytime of the day..and never have to remember to refill the brita
i love the feeling of finishing unloading a box and throwing it in the garage
having a screened in porch is nothing new for us..but having one with a ceiling fan is sure an added bonus
floor to ceiling (exaggerated) windows all around you as  you eat at the breakfast table is sure nice in the morning and at night when the sun sets right through the breakfast area window
space
real grass
2 sofas in the living room means that i can either snuggle with jack on his sofa OR spread out on my own sofa
when i have to get up in the mid night to use the facilities..i don't have to climb over my husband
the computer is in an office instead of in the living room

ok, it is the little things, folks.

my daddy comes tomorrow..and jackson's 2nd birthday is thursday..with party friday...dad leaves sunday...then life may get a little less crazy :)

until then. love.