failed

blood glucose test=fail




you can pray for a 3 hour test tomorrow morning (wed)..

12 hour fast

can't eat or drink anything from midnight tonight until noon tomorrow...


drink nasty sugar drink at 8am, get blood drawn, wait an hour, get blood drawn again, wait an hour, get blood drawn again, wait an hour, get blood drawn again..


can't think of a more putrid thing for a pregnant woman to do on a wednesday morning.


pray that I will be confident of the Lord's sovereignty in my life and deep care for me and the details of my life.


1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

in order to remember

in my head i have been composing this post over and over, so there comes a time when i just have to  type it out in order to remember the feeling..and get it off of my obsessive mind.

i love being pregnant. feeling a baby move inside of me, always feeling accompanied, not having to hold in your belly in those tight shirts, being able to eat without feeling like i am over eating...it is a privilege and an honor to be apart of the miracle that is growing a being inside of yourself.

the other day i watched a documentary about surrogate mothers. i know some people hear that word (surrogate) and cringe from the idea of holding a baby inside of you only to hand it off to another mommy who couldn't, for whatever reason, conceive on her own.  and i will admit that the highlight of my life thus far has been that moment in the delivery room when the baby that was on my inside was lain on top of my bare chest..the screaming baby jackson covered in mucus, the tears of daddy jack, and the sobbing of mommy was the most raw, real, and intimate moment i have experienced in my 30 years.

honestly, i have never gone from high to low in such a quick amount of time as i did exiting the pregnancy/childbirth experience to enter the infant rearing phase.  boy was it hard as hell to be a mom to little jackson...i love love love that child, but nothing was easy. from breastfeeding, to sleep deprivation, to hormonal abnormalities that made me very sad most of the time, to the instability that was our marriage...every month that passed life became a little more manageable..and it wasn't until 5 months when i thought, "ok, i will not die doing this job."

so, for me, watching this surrogate documentary...i understood why a woman would choose to serve another woman in such an intimate way.

right now in my pregnancy feels like i am a surrogate mom.  there, i said it.

i love being pregnant, i consider it the biggest gift feeling ryan jefferson move inside of me, i tear up when jackson says he wants to talk to rj and pulls up my shirt to say sweet words in his highest voice while sticking his finger inside of my belly button..but, as hard as i try, i can't picture rj being in our family, i can't get excited about his arrival in may, i can't even dream up what he may look like..nor do i really want to.  i have never felt so connected, yet so disconnected from anything in my life.  it is as if he is not really mine..like i am going to give him away when he is born and he will never be a morse.  really the weirdest feeling...even hard to put into words.

with jackson at this time in my pregnancy and much earlier for that matter, i was dreaming about him every night..longed to hold him in my arms..couldn't wait to latch him to my breast for the first time...to call him my baby...the pregnancy seemed to go on for ages and all i wanted to do was have a little baby to call my own.

with ryan jefferson, if i could sign up for him to be inside of me for extra months..where is the dotted line?

i have been hesitating writing this post for a while now..not wanting anyone to take it the wrong way..think that i am ungrateful or heartless...although i can have a tendency to be both of those things. but this is the reality of this pregnancy and i want to remember the feeling..the awkwardness of it...as i have a great hope that it will all change the moment rj takes his first breath.

thankful

well, here i am at 25 weeks and 5 days..yesterday.  That dang tank top is so tight
I can barely get my arms in the arm space..and my rib cage hurts when I try to
wear it for more than 5 minutes.  being pregnant is both horrible and wonderful
at the same time for me.  I hate arm fat and back fat that develops ever so quickly
as I progress in the weeks...but It makes me deeply saddened to think that I may
never feel a living baby kick the inside of my tummy at nights while relaxing on the
sofa.  Only God knows how many children are planned for us..but it makes me sad
to wonder that this may be our last.

this is my favorite home helper..J3!  He assists with laundry by going to get his
stool and putting it in front of the washer and throwing clothes in..He goes and
fetches anything I need..and always remembers where anything is that I happen
to lose.  But my most favorite thing he helps with is my weekly bread baking.
he sits on the counter and pours the various flours, salts, oils, and water into
the bread machine...and always likes to pour the brown sugar in the best..
because he always gets a "little bit". and says, "mmm..i like brown sugar, mommy."

this is jackson covering daddy with blankets and pillows to "make him cozy"
when daddy wasn't feeling well one evening.

this is where we spent valentine's weekend..before you go wondering how
in the world we afforded a weekend in this hotel and could swing eating at
lavish restaurants too..just know that one of God's many blessings in our lives
comes in the form of jack's parent's generosity and a cousin who works at this hotel
and got us a sweet deal on rates.

Every city needs one of these..you watch a movie, eat and drink..and the
prices were good and the food was great! we saw "just go with it"..i loved it!
I love Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler no matter what they are in!

my most favorite event was room service breakfast in bed on
Sunday morning!

The best deli i have EVER enjoyed!

my choice

dolphins were everywhere

the best restaurant dinner we had in charleston..only uses
southern organic..in a historic home..oh yes..

oh yes, that is duck and cornbread in the back ground in an iron skillet

my only complaint the whole weekend was my ambition to see didn't match
my ability to hold my weight..my feet and legs would hurt so bad..and i had
to stop and pee at every corner.

this trip was incredible..all the stresses of life were taken away for 3 days and
i felt so relaxed.  jack and i related well and enjoyed each other.  it was
by the far the most desperate we have ever been to get away..but, just so
you don't get too jealous, our reentry into the real world was quite brutal
with one of the worst fights of our marriage on the way home from sc.
We are resolved..but just wanted to keep it real.

When Jackson prays over dinner he says, "God is great! God is good! Let us

Thank Him for ________." Instead of saying "for our food" he says, for (what

ever food is on our plates that he particularly likes)..so like last night he said, 

"Let us thank Him for sweet potatoes and orange juice".

So I will end this post that way.

God is great! God is good! Let us thank Him for:

a growing baby in my belly

an eager helper by my side

a weekend trip of a lifetime

room service breakfasts

and 

a man who loves you to share it all with.

job study revelations

if you have had enough of reading about Job and what I am learning..you may want to stop reading right here.








i know you know this already but...I have been really moved by the study..I wanted to make a list of the biggies for myself to look back and see.


some things I am learning in my heart:


-convicted about how i jump to talking/making decisions before I look to the Word (like job's friends who were trying to comfort him during his chaos with "wise" words that were not based on God's truths..when all He wanted was God to speak mercy to His heart..)..job 18 (and many other chapters where the friends are talking)


-and how I only ever desire/pray for comfort and ease in my life and the lives of others when i am suffering or when others are facing trials (like job did when his life was turned upside down..) It sounds something like this.."God, please take this trial away from me.."--and an unspoken, "so I won't need to rely on you so much"..but the truth is that God directs the storms and makes it hail and flood at exactly the correct times as it says in Job 38:22-23...and the only reason I exist is to give Him glory..and when i am "strong" all people see is me...it is when i am weak that they might catch a glimpse of Him being strong on my behalf.

- and Praising God that He knows what it is like to suffer unto death:

Hebrews 12

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

depraved

let's back up a few weeks...to the weeks when i was agonizing about whether or not to go on a women's retreat at my church.

i formulated a list in my mind of reasons i didn't think I was going to go. 

here it is:

6 mths preg

want to sleep in my comfy bed

do have extra money in savings to pay for retreat

i get tons of fellowship around the word in my week (wbs, small group, sunday school, church..)

yesterday i was studying Job..restudying Job. I have been attending a bible study of Job and this week is review week.  i was remembering job's friends...and the lessons we learned from their "advice" to job. they gave heartfelt advice that was deeply grounded in their experiences, their wisdom, their knowledge, and what made sense.  the problem was the advice they gave was not steeped in their knowledge of God and His wisdom and purposes.

that is when it all hit me like a 2X4 in between the eyes.

i am being Job's friends with the retreat...the Lord spoke somewhere in all the studying and showed me who i really am...as i looked over my formulated list of reasons why not to attend..i saw selfish, convenient, comfortable, and common sense reasons to not go..never did I pray "lord, show me what you have for me with this..show me if there is anyone who needs me to attend the retreat..show me your will."

my first reaction was repentance.."Lord, i know i sinned against you in my decision making only thinking of myself and what I desired and not thinking of you and your Kingdom purposes."  Then the tears began to flow..I immediately started trying to figure out what I needed to do now.  Who I needed to call to invite over so that I could reach out to someone this weekend and make staying at home valid..or who I needed to call to get signed up for the women's retreat so I could get right with God...and then God showed up again in the form of a husband who (after i explained everything with tears running down my face) said very calmly, "where is your freedom?"  and then me calling a friend to "throw up my issues on her"...and she said with compassion and confidence, "when you turned from your sin before Christ, your sin was wiped clean.  He now sees you as righteous before Him..completely clean."  In other words, there is no penance needed to make the situation right...God is not surprised. He knew my sin before hand and will use it for His Glory..and for sure He has used it to draw me into a deeper understanding of Himself and my stance before Him.

i can't seem to get this "free to me" Grace..It wasn't just free because that would mean there was not a price, which certainly not the case...but it is completely and utterly free to me and given to me with great joy and perfect love..and i can get it into my head, but my heart keeps wanting/needing to do something for it. this view of grace leaves me busy, tired, entitled and then angry...in that order. 

but fortunately, I am His and He continuously shows up amidst the depravity to remind me of whose I am and that the price with which I was bought completely covered the great expense.