joyful in hope

we are doing a romans study in small group..and last night we read romans 12.  one verse stood out to me..

romans 12:12 (new living translation) Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble and always be prayerful.

my first thought was...umm, i am not "being glad"  another translation says "be joyful in hope"...i kind of like that translation better in this circumstance.  "joyful in hope"..not necessarily glad about the plans, but having joy in the hope of what is ultimately to come..and because I know that whatever He has planned is ultimately for my good and for His glory.

so when people are asking, "oh, you have a baby coming soon..you must be so excited.." and I think "no, not really..."  I am not "excited" per se..but yes, I am joyful in hope.  i know He has my best in mind..and I have a great peace that His best will bring me ultimate peace and joy.

Jesus always said it best.  His example of "being joyful in hope" when He was about to be put to death on a cross.. separated from His father..and make his ascent into Hell. Sounded like this:

John 12:27-28
(new living translation)
Now my soul is deeply troubled.  Should I pray, "Father save me from what lies ahead"?  But that is the very reason why I came!  Father bring glory to your name"

Father, my soul isn't still...my default is to ask you to save me from the circumstances that are to come...but instead I will choose to bring you Glory..because that is the reason I am here.

what is real

Well, here I am 35 weeks down out of a hypothetical 40 weeks.  Ryan Jefferson breech.  I am gaining more weight with him than i did with Jackson.  Hard time getting around and up and down.  Lack of patience with Jackson.  Dr. going on vacation the week before RJ is due so wants to schedule an induction or c-section (depending on if he can flip RJ or not) for May 18thish (i will be almost 39 weeks then..like 3 1/2 weeks from now)..could go into labor earlier due to already dilating cervix.  Those are the facts..

Then there are the feelings..I cringe to try to explain those.  I do know when someone says with an all knowing smile, "Are you SO excited?"  I say, "Not like you are?"  Here it is in a nutshell, but a nutshell doesn't really do it all justice..it is all so complex and intertwined in my soul that I really just can't explain it all very well...

i am sad that I may not ever be pregnant again...but I really didn't like being pregnant this time around so that doesn't make a ton of sense..i have no idea what two kids will look like or feel like..and haven't even anticipated it at all..i am not a sibling, so the thought of two just seems unbearable...jackson was  a tough baby so i do not look forward to the baby stage..and, at the same time, I mourn the baby stage being over and not ever doing it again..(if we only have two kids..which is what jack's vision for our family is..and the longer that I am pregnant and not excited about a 2nd, I think that I should have jack's vision of 2 kids be my vision, as well..)  I am hoping breast feeding will work this time a little easier than last time (i nursed for a year and supplemented with every feed because i couldn't produce enough milk to make jackson gain the weight the dr thought he should be gaining...granted he has always been in the 3rd percentile.)  I want to love my children well..and I want to be content with my life as it is..and I am praying against postpartum that I seemed to get a bout of last time around.  I loved labor last time with jackson..but since this baby is still breech, i am looking at a possible version (flipping) or a c-section..and both of those options seem less than appealing...so i am mourning a smooth labor (even before it is determined whether it will be that way or not...)

what is real is that for this girl who writhes at change, and fears the unknown..and lacks trust in the Lord...I am having a tough time getting "excited"..but I am not really sad either.  I would say I am more just even.  Living the end of this pregnancy out as it comes and trying to trust the Lord with the curve balls.

clinging to these two truths.

one found in the psalms:

One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will hide me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle;
and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27

one found in the Heidelberg Catechism (The Heidelberg Catechism is a Protestant confessional document taking the form of a series of questions and answers, for use in teaching Reformed Christian doctrine. It has been translated into many languages and is regarded as one of the most influential of the Reformed catechisms.)

Question 26:

What do you believe when you say, "I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth"?

Answer: That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (who of nothing made heaven and earth, with all that is in them; who likewise upholds and governs the same by his eternal counsel and providence) is for the sake of Christ his Son, my God and my Father; on whom I rely so entirely, that I have no doubt, but he will provide me with all things necessary for soul and body and further, that he will make whatever evils he sends upon me, in this valley of tears turn out to my advantage;  for he is able to do it, being Almighty God,  and willing, being a faithful Father.