on intimacy..

i love my husband. i enjoy him. i love hanging out with him and jackson. walking to the lake and feeding the fish...i love that he comes up with ideas of things we can do together as a family.  i love that he wants to  do a good job leading our family...that it is important to him to be doing things well.  i love watching our shows together..biggest loser, undercover boss, snl, sunday morning, 60 minutes, office..hey, don't judge.  i love that he will usually rub my feet anytime i ask beg.  very rarely does he complain about me and my faults..i wish i could say the same for myself..and he is always really quick to forgive when I have wronged him.

so, why am i so slow to intimacy with him.  most of you who know me well know that i am hardcore never say "no" when it comes to the bedroom affairs...i don't want him to go without anything he needs in that department.  so there is plenty of "you know" happening in that new king sized bed of ours..that is not the issue. the issue that presents itself on my end is..why do i not long for him in that way? why is it a chore for me? another item on my list that needs to be checked off? why do i cringe most nights when he moves closer to me? so my default is to try to come up with things that "if he just did this better..i would be more interested in intimacy"..in my mind there are so many things that he needs to be doing better..but the bottom line is, that the issue isn't him..the issue is me. he is a great hubby...not perfect at all..but i am further from perfection i can assure you.

so why?  (note to readers: that is a hypothetical question not meant to be answered...just needing to get some things down on paper screen.)