feeling the blessing of a healthy baby

Well, today was the day I had been both dreading and looking so forward to...after going from feeling 100% sick to 100% not sick on the first day of week 10..and enduring some pretty annoying cramping every few nights after that, I was 50% sure that our baby was not doing well. (to say it nicely)..but our little one (boy--by my prediction and the dr's speculation) was quite the show-off at his appointment today.  He flipped around, turned and looked at the camera, pulled his cord over his shoulder and put it in his mouth, put his thumb in his mouth, waved at us and pushed on my placenta..he was moving and grooving to say the very least.  We got tons of great pictures!  Thank you God for a healthy, heartbeat today!  I have both grieved his possible death, and am now celebrating his vibrant life all in one month.  Thank you for joining me in prayer for my heart, that I would be less concerned with circumstances and more concerned with having a Godward orientation of my heart.

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

ok so the last post would be incomplete without this one

i was driving home tonight..and have tons of time to think because i have to drive to africa. well only halfway to africa, but still 25 minutes is tons of time. and i was recounting the conversations i had earlier that night..and i heard my voice saying to a friend earlier that evening, "if it is not one thing it is another"...and the Lord used that sentence that i had spoken to nudge me toward His truth.

i think i should be able to find satisfaction in a house, in a friendship, in a pregnancy..in a ____ fill in the blank..and whatever is in the blank makes me crazy as i try to be satisfied. in the case of yesterdays post it was like this..i want to be at peace in this pregnancy, i want a guarantee that everything will be good, or a guarantee that everything will be bad..i want to know..to be in control..i can't know, i can't be in control..it all makes me so unsettled and emotional.

because i am human..and my heart longs for perfection and ultimately heaven..there is nothing that will satisfy it. it is always going to be unsettled..always going to be searching..always going to come up empty.

well, always when it seeks to be filled with anything other than jesus. anything other than His love, His grace, His peace, His strength, and His plan....when He fills it, it won't come up short...it may still feel unsettled or unsatisfied..but it ultimately will never be disappointed. He is always enough..even when His "enough" isn't what I would have thought "enough" to be.. (ie. my worst case scenario, whatever it might be this second..) He will carry me through and will have a greater purpose for His plan than I would have ever dreamed possible.

my life..as a Christ follower..it IS quite a ride. not usually an easy ride, a peaceful ride, or a "safe" ride..but always a ride taking me to a final destination...His arms right now..and His home for an eternity.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

keepin it real

ok, so you want real..here is real. on friday i all of the sudden stopped being sick...i have been really nauseous all along and then BOOM friday (day one of week 10) and i went off meds and am feeling completely fine...yay! praise God! Right? well, not exactly...now i am doubting my pregnancy...

why can't i just enjoy what has been revealed to me...
1. i am pregnant with a healthy baby..the dr said on week 8.6.
2. i am not sick anymore at week 10.
3. i have no other symptoms to make me think i am miscarrying.

instead i have truly convinced myself that this baby is dead. how did I get there? well, i have had friends who have had miscarriages and they stop feeling sick..i have had friends who have had miscarriages and have gone a month without anything abnormal (ie. cramping, bleeding...etc..)

I could go to the doctor and get checked, but i really don't want to..i don't want to know if the baby is dead..i don't want to find out with jack not there (he can't get there in the a.m. when they have openings...and I really want to just trust what has been revealed to me.

you can pray.