right to the heart of the matter

I love this below chapter from the devotion book I am reading right now...It is just so perfect at describing exactly where I am right now.  I can feel the war inside of my soul right now..I can really see/feel the strong contrast between the light of Christ and the darkness of my sin..I am very aware of many areas of sin that I am holding onto.  I have just come to a place of prayer and constant repentance..filling my airspace with Christ, so that the sin can't breathe...as I live second by second with the awareness of how far short I fall.

Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy by: Paul David Tripp
page 59 in Ch. 18 Unfailing Love
I wish I would live with You in view;
Eyes to Your glory
Ears to Your wisdom
Heart for your grace.
But I live with me in view.
Eyes to my kingdom
Ears for my opinion
Heart captured by my will.
I know I was made for You,
I know that Hope
Meaning
Purpose
Identity
My agenda for every day,
Is to be found in You.
But I want my own kingdom
I love my own glory
I define my own meaning
I delight in my control.
I know You are not fooled
By my burnt offerings.
There's a war that never ends:
The battleground is my heart.
It's a moral skirmish
Between what You have ordained
And what I want.
So I don't find pleasure in Your glory,
I don't delight in Your law.
But my heart doesn't rest;
I know there's a better way.
I know You are God
And I am not.
My sin is more than
Bad behavior
A bad choice
Wrong words.
My sin is a violation of the relationship
That I was meant to have with You.
My sin is an act
Where I replace You
With something I love more.
Every wrong thing I do
Reflects
A lack of love for You,
Reflects
A love of self.
Help me
To see
To acknowledge
To weep
And say,
"Against You, You only have I sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight."
And then help me to rest
In Your mercy
In Your tender mercy
In Your faithful love,
Even as the war goes on.

What thing in life do you tend to want so badly that it tends to control you more than God's call, God's grace, God's glory, and God's kingdom?

What does it look like to embrace God's mercy and faithful love in the midst of the war?

what really matters

let me get naked on here for a minute..

now that I got your attention, emotional nakedness is what I speak of..

I don't know if you remember this post...well, that day at the UGA game when I was uncomfortable with the outfit I had chosen and the body that was under the ugly outfit...repeated itself (sort of like that movie, Groundhog Day) many days before that day in September and many days after that day in september...The day would usually start with me looking in the full body mirror that is situated in my closet at outfit after outfit as I tore the fourth shirt off of my head because the second pair of jeans that I squeezed into wouldn't work with THAT shirt because it was too tight and you could see my muffin top..need a bigger shirt..no, need a bigger pair of pants..well, maybe that fourth shirt will work with this third pair of pants? blood pressure rising..sweat begins to form on my forehead..you get me, I know you do..although, I pray you don't...and you never have to endure such a struggle in your closet.

I looked at my reflection..at my eyes as they searched for just one thing..just one thing that would look amazing..and I remember in my subconscious thinking, "Lord, just take this extra weight away!  Please, I know I never thought twice about what I was wearing before when I was slim..I just threw something on..Lord, make me back the way I was when I was confident!"

35 of the 40 pounds are finally gone!!! Celebration!!! Praise God!  Thank you Lord for helping me fit back into my skinny jeans!! Thank you for helping me to survive bathing suit shopping at target!!  Thank you for helping me look great in my small t-shirts again!  Problems solved, right?!

Wrong. I am here from the slimmer side to share some truth. It.didn't.go.away.  The problem looks different, but it didn't go away.  Tonight, I was sitting in the tub, where my two boys don't join me..therefore, where most of my thinking happens..This is the part that is hardest to type..the part where I get naked..and talk about my "now" thoughts.

Thoughts: "Thank you Lord for my body..I can actually look at it now without being critical..only 5 more pounds to lose..thank you for that fitness pal app on the iphone..maybe I will write a journal entry about how great it is...thank you for providing friends that support me and help me on my weight loss journey..and walk with me..and inspire me to look great...i look great...i hope i can maintain this weight..i actually fit into ALL of my clothes..I feel sexy...and on and on and on...more of the same thoughts about my body, my clothes, my progress, my runs, my pace times, my ...."

Getting healthy is great! My Fitness Pal app is genius! Whoever thought of it deserves a prestigious award!  Looking great in jeans is a definite perk..BUT where is the room in my streaming thoughts for what is eternal?

Laying in bed tonight, I read a really applicable chapter in Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy by Paul David Tripp (thanks God!)..The whole book is focused around Psalm 51.

(a little background)

Psalm 51 is a psalm about how God meets David (and us) in his moment of greatest sin (watching Bathsheba bathe, taking her to bed with him, killing her husband...etc...--you couldn't get content this juicy on your juiciest Bachelor episode..) and transforms Him (and us) by His amazing Grace.  

So after David has confessed to God all of His putrid sin, he ends his prayer with a prayer for prosperity..The really applicable chapter that I read tonight.  Chapter 16 The Gospel of Prosperity is a chapter that focuses in on the following verses:

Psalm 51:18-19
New International Version (NIV)
18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

David isn't requesting to look great in His skinny jeans..so that he can get dressed in the morning without emotional distress..He doesn't even pray for the Zion to prosper so that it will be a nation that needs no God interventions...what he requests is not a prayer for personal or social prosperity.  He has lived a selfish existence..and he has been changed by the living God.  David is asking for God to prosper His nation, so that they will begin living for God's kingdom and God's glory.

My idol is my body.  When I am fat, I obsess about it.  When I am not fat, I obsess about it. I can't take it with me when I die.  It won't help my friends know Jesus, when they see me looking HOT in my size 2 jeans (a girl can still dream..lol)...

It is here that I must repent of worshiping what is not the Living God.  Turn away from thoughts of me.  I am nothing without Christ.  My sin is obvious before me, before you, before Him..

Matthew 6:19 (NLT)

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. 21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

It is my hope and prayer that as I confess my sin to you..you will read words that sound familiar.  That maybe, if you haven't already, you will begin to see your own sin. What is your answer for sin?  Does it have a place in the way you think about life?  My answer for sin can be found in Scripture...in the person of Jesus Christ.  He took my sin (and your sin) upon Himself on a wooden cross..committed his spirit into the hands of Satan.. ascended into Hell...and defeated death..rose from death..is the only one who can defeat sin and death..and my idol is no surprise to Him. 

He loves me.

without condition.

Oprah's interviews of famous people always captivate me..I dvr all of them and watch them in some of my quick moments i have for myself.

just finished watching Oprah's interview of Lady Gaga...after watching such a beautiful, creative, dynamic, and thinking woman...I had a thought..well, i had lots of thoughts..but I will save one for this post.

Lady Gaga is talking about writing a song..each song/performance/idea is a 'journey' she has been through that she is trying to convey to the audience/the world..she is trying to get the world to believe the message..in this case, the message being we were each born the way we are for a purpose..we are each special, unique, lovely..hiding self is hiding purpose.  as Lady Gaga is talking about the song/idea "Born this Way", The Lord reached through the tv screen and applied something to my heart.  Gaga said, "I hit a nerve...you have to hit a nerve...if you don't hit a nerve, it won't erupt.  I am not interested in lukewarm.  I want to get you to be a part of this message that will change everything."

in some ways i am so harnessed (i say in some ways because i know lots of you know me and know lots of ways that i am not harnessed..)..example: my ear is listening as a dear friend is sharing treasures of her life..snapshots of what her life entails behind closed doors... snippets of lies she told, things she loves, things she wants, hate she harbors..i see quick glimpses of what is real in her world. in every instance where what is real plays peak-a-boo with what is presented, i quickly have a choice...address what is real or believe what is presented.  Gaga said, "I hit a nerve...you have to hit a nerve...if you don't hit a nerve, it won't erupt.  I am not interested in lukewarm.  I want to get you to be a part of this message that will change everything." eruption..that is what Christ desires.  as i choose not to believe only what is presented, and I talk about/address what is real...hitting a nerve will happen. hitting a nerve scares me. hitting a nerve is what keeps me from always going there. going to that real place..talking about the reality that my dear friend is facing..eternally my dear friend is wasting away..her only joys are the joys that she is experiencing right now..that were she to die right now, she would die. be completely separated from all joy, all peace, all love..a complete separation from her Father, her Creator...i am afraid..my sin makes my life about me..and i am fearful the alter of myself will be knocked down...but when Christ is my journey and not self..I am not afraid...i/He talks about what is real...i/He is not harnessed...i/He hits that nerve..He comes into me..and ultimately causes eruption. eruption within me..eruption within my friend. He is not interested in lukewarm..HE.WILL.CHANGE.EVERYTHING.

acts

question number 11 on our women's bible study sheet prompted this post.

it asks, "what are the most significant lessons you have learned from acts?"

like any lessons in life..you learn them over and over again until you get to heaven..so some of these lessons i am learning for the 5th or 50th time.

1-
life doesn't always go as planned and doesn't always feel good/right...but it always goes according to God's plan and always is perfect at bringing Glory to God and bringing His children to a saving knowledge of Him.
-i can't even count the number of times paul's is arrested, detoured, or goes the long way to a place..things that just didn't make sense..if his mission was to bring the Good news to as many as possible throughout the world..but the journey made perfect sense to God.

2-
living life has lots of perks..lots of friendships..lots of fun journeys..lots of heart aches..lots of emotional ups and downs..but the ONLY real purpose for being here is to bring God glory...spread the truths about Him to everyone who will hear us.
-paul was given his mission in acts 1..and he didn't get caught up in worshiping his circumstances, his gifts, his friends, or even harping on how hard things were..He.just.did.what.God.told.him.to.do.  In acts 28, he is still at it..telling all around him about Jesus.

3-
if you are losing sight of your mission, you are probably not staying connected to your Father...today I was thinking about a friend who i am having trouble reaching out to..and then it hit me..i am having trouble thinking of what to say because I am not in the word studying my Father's words..and I am not praying/talking to Him about her.
-paul had lots of struggles and hard times..and he never ceases turning to His Father for direction and support. signing hymns in prison, praying, talking to God, asking those in fellowship with Christ for direction...

Acts 1:8
You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

Look to Jesus, receive His power, receive His love and testify to what He is doing to those around through words and love.

real

i went on a women's retreat a few weeks ago..and one of the things that stalked me when i got home was a truth that I learned about keeping it real. i try to keep it real..tell the bad and the ugly stuff...but at this retreat, it occurred to me that, while keeping it real, i can tend to complain or grumble about the plate that the Lord has handed me...today i am just wanting to tell a goody...a gift the Lord gave me today through Jackson.

the past month or so jackson has really been struggling with perfectionism..and we have also been learning the letters of his name. How the perfectionism manifests itself in learning his letters is..let me give you an example: Last Friday we were doing chalk letters outside on the sidewalk...jackson would go FAR away from me and write his letters in secret.  He called me over to see his "J" after he finished many minutes of drawing letters. I came over and was so excited about all that he had done..he did an "A" and a "C" AND the "J" that he wanted to show me. I was so proud of him. But he started crying..saying that the "A" and the "C" were actually a ladder and a man consecutively...I knew that they were letters that he didn't like, so he was making them into something else.  The only thing I could do is pray for that little man's heart that he will Know the truth..that Jesus is the only perfect one and we can enjoy the freedom of relying on Him for His grace amidst our shortcomings.

so fast forward to today. today i sat with jackson at the writing table and we were working on writing his name again..he wrote the whole thing (i helped with the k and the s--and he let me!) and had a smile on his face the WHOLE TIME!  The name wasn't written perfectly..but He enjoyed writing it..and he completed it without making a letter into a ladder or a man!

as i was putting a load into the laundry, I remembered that smile that he had on his face...

the Lord used me to teach my son to write his name AND to teach my little man an important truth in His word...and I see growth!

i got goose bumps in that moment.

on children (in a post to a friend on facebook)

Having Jackson and Ryan Jefferson is the most rewarding job I have ever been given the privilege of doing. Children are a huge blessing from the Lord. Just like anything worthwhile, you have to sacrifice and work hard. Other things under the same category would be the christian walk, marriage, siblings, relationships of any kind..loving something more than yourself doesn't come naturally to sinful human beings but sacrificial love forces us to come face to face with Christ. Staring into Christ's eyes is the only way I ever want to live. Follow His calling and you will struggle but you will be fulfilled as you lead a life that glorifies Him. I know that was a little more than you asked for but I have been thinking on this a lot lately..how thankful I am for the way He is teaching me to love and teaching me about himself through my children.

on paul

have been studying the book of acts in women's bible study this season..the book of acts follows the spread of the gospel after Jesus is taken up to heaven. verse 7 gives a summary of the movement of the message.."you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

as readers, we have been following paul's journey as he shares the gospel with jews and gentiles, rich and poor, women and men, educated and uneducated...etc.

you know how things can kind of stalk you? ex. a song lyric you can't get out of your head, an idea that you MUST carry out in order to get it off of your mind, or maybe a truth from a sermon that just keeps rolling around in your head and heart...

the truth from Acts that is stalking me is this..
paul had many relationships and conversations on his journey. he comes into contact with believers and unbelievers. with his believing friends, he encourages them in their journey with Christ..encouraging movement toward knowing Christ and spreading His word to others.  with his unbelieving friends, he shares about the fulfillment of the law in the person of Jesus...He spreads the Gospel message to all who have ears.  His life is about that..his mission is about that...he loses friends, his plans get thrwarted, he is faced with people who don't like him because of what he professes, he is even flogged for things he didn't even do...but still...paul is about the business of Christ.

now I know the bible doesn't tell us everything that every disciple did or said, and I know that paul was not a perfect man..after all, he is the one that is famous for the "do, do" passage in scripture. (Romans 7:19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me)


but it is clear that there wasn't a lot of fluff in paul's life...wasn't a lot of coasting friendships in Jerusalem...wasn't a ton of complaining when things didn't turn out how he'd hoped...wasn't a ton of whining when he was flogged without reason...

Paul had a single purpose and he didn't seem to lose sight of his mission.  The Lord used him to bring Himself glory even to the ends of the earth.

Acts 28:30 He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ—with all boldness and without hindrance!

Lord, I confess to you that I care a ton about myself.  I want my friends to like me. With my believing friends, I often don't care enough to ask real questions and love them well. With my unbelieving friends, I tend to converse about the safe and steer away from the uncomfortable..I don't love them enough to share the hope that is within my soul.  I want my relationships to be easy. I spend more time talking about my fitness, my iphone, my facebook, my shows, the weather, my sons, etc. than I would like to admit.  Because of this, it feels weird to even utter your name, Jesus.  I immediately turn red when my friendly conversation shifts to testifying about what you are doing in my life.  Father, please forgive me for my dualism...show me how to love deeply, show me how to be about bringing you glory. Amen.