in order to remember

in my head i have been composing this post over and over, so there comes a time when i just have to  type it out in order to remember the feeling..and get it off of my obsessive mind.

i love being pregnant. feeling a baby move inside of me, always feeling accompanied, not having to hold in your belly in those tight shirts, being able to eat without feeling like i am over eating...it is a privilege and an honor to be apart of the miracle that is growing a being inside of yourself.

the other day i watched a documentary about surrogate mothers. i know some people hear that word (surrogate) and cringe from the idea of holding a baby inside of you only to hand it off to another mommy who couldn't, for whatever reason, conceive on her own.  and i will admit that the highlight of my life thus far has been that moment in the delivery room when the baby that was on my inside was lain on top of my bare chest..the screaming baby jackson covered in mucus, the tears of daddy jack, and the sobbing of mommy was the most raw, real, and intimate moment i have experienced in my 30 years.

honestly, i have never gone from high to low in such a quick amount of time as i did exiting the pregnancy/childbirth experience to enter the infant rearing phase.  boy was it hard as hell to be a mom to little jackson...i love love love that child, but nothing was easy. from breastfeeding, to sleep deprivation, to hormonal abnormalities that made me very sad most of the time, to the instability that was our marriage...every month that passed life became a little more manageable..and it wasn't until 5 months when i thought, "ok, i will not die doing this job."

so, for me, watching this surrogate documentary...i understood why a woman would choose to serve another woman in such an intimate way.

right now in my pregnancy feels like i am a surrogate mom.  there, i said it.

i love being pregnant, i consider it the biggest gift feeling ryan jefferson move inside of me, i tear up when jackson says he wants to talk to rj and pulls up my shirt to say sweet words in his highest voice while sticking his finger inside of my belly button..but, as hard as i try, i can't picture rj being in our family, i can't get excited about his arrival in may, i can't even dream up what he may look like..nor do i really want to.  i have never felt so connected, yet so disconnected from anything in my life.  it is as if he is not really mine..like i am going to give him away when he is born and he will never be a morse.  really the weirdest feeling...even hard to put into words.

with jackson at this time in my pregnancy and much earlier for that matter, i was dreaming about him every night..longed to hold him in my arms..couldn't wait to latch him to my breast for the first time...to call him my baby...the pregnancy seemed to go on for ages and all i wanted to do was have a little baby to call my own.

with ryan jefferson, if i could sign up for him to be inside of me for extra months..where is the dotted line?

i have been hesitating writing this post for a while now..not wanting anyone to take it the wrong way..think that i am ungrateful or heartless...although i can have a tendency to be both of those things. but this is the reality of this pregnancy and i want to remember the feeling..the awkwardness of it...as i have a great hope that it will all change the moment rj takes his first breath.