waning

this dark, rainy, thunderstorm is giving me great comfort..it is matching my inside. here is a look:


i just never thought hard when i was thinking of moving to an almost brand new 4br/3.5ba with a rocking chair porch and a pool and sod...with a new super cool fridge..and a new super cool tv..with a really comfy king bed and a shelf system for my shoes...in a neighborhood where jackson can play without being hit by a semi going by the house...i never thought darkness. i never though isolation. never occurred to me that this would be hard. that i would be sad. that life would go from a breeze to an immediate struggle. i feel alone. i feel abandoned. i feel like everything is a year away..and then when people ask me with this knowing smile in their eyes if i am "loving my new house"..i feel ungrateful if i say anything but, "it is a true blessing". because let's face it, friends, it is a blessing from God. it is amazing. it is more than i EVER in a million years thought the Lord would entrust to me and my family. but it is hard in the very same breath. no friends around. i feel bad asking anyone to visit because of the distance they are required to travel. no golden pantry i can walk to when i forgot to grab milk..20 minutes is the closest distance i can drive for friendship or activity. even typing this i feel guilt...i feel like i am being given all of these blessings and i am complaining..like "Lord, I want more.." but really i am just wanting to be real in attempts to remind you, my readers, that no matter what things you have been blessed with..life is meaningless without fellowship, without connections, without Christ.


i was 8 years old and Christmas was coming...i couldn't wait..i knew i was getting a bike because i saw it in the shed with the bows already on it..i couldn't sleep at night for days. Christmas eve came and i laid with my eyes closed all night couldn't sleep, couldn't even relax...then finally the sun broke the horizon and i jumped out of my bed and ran into the living room..there was my bike with 5 pink bows tied around it next to the Christmas tree full of other presents. at the end of that day, when all of the presents had been opened, all of the trash thrown away, and my bike's tire tread worn down from all of the bike riding up and down the street..i layed in bed unfulfilled...sad even.


Ecclesiastes 6


1 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on men: 2 God gives a man wealth, possessions and honor, so that he lacks nothing his heart desires, but God does not enable him to enjoy them, ...


matt 6:19-20


19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.


praying this in expectation of what the Lord can do.

Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)

Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.


1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.


2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.


3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.


4 Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]


5 Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.